Here it is 3 am. Again I can't sleep.
It is strange to reach a point in life,
when I need more sleep and I cannot sleep at all.
I just don't understand how I can be so tired and not sleep.
It is almost as though my body senses I'm beyond the midpoint
in my life and every minute becomes more precious.
I get up and fix a cup of decaf coffee.
I switched to decaf awhile ago and I never cared for colas.
I drink two cups in the morning, max, and still can't sleep. Oh well,
more time to express my creativity, right?
On to another day.
It seems that no matter how I plan things
there is never enough time in the day to do everything.
I used to be able to charge into projects and finish in no time.
Now it takes days to find the energy and time.
I always assumed(and you know what that word means) that as I got older
things would get easier and I would have more time for me and the things
I wanted to do and create. I don't know what ever gave me that idea?
I am quickly approaching retirement age and yet,
I see no end to the everyday
demands of work, children, home and health.
Little things constantly pop up and delay whatever thing I might be trying
to work on or finish.
No one seems to notice that I am having trouble keeping
up with everything. It is such a struggle. I keep going, day after day.
I wonder, will I have some time to myself before the struggle ends?
Will I get to travel to the places I dream about?
Life is short. Will I see any of my dreams come true?
Is it selfish to have dreams?
I am beginning to think TV is a bad thing.
I don't get to watch much and when I do,
it is usually factual or do it yourself learning.
I watch the decorating channels.
The big, fancy homes with lots of room and plenty of space.
I wish I had more space.
I wish I had some new appliances.
I wish I had the money and help to fix up my home.
I see all the new cars. I am just happy if my car runs and
does not break down or cost more money. I'll never have a new car.
I try to remind myself that all those things are just material.
Truthfully, I would live in a nice little two room wood shed
in my older daughter's back yard if that was a possibility.
I would like to enjoy her companionship every day.
We would walk outside in our night gowns to her picnic table
and have our morning Coffee together
and chat about all our everyday problems and plans.
Watch the sun slowly rise.
Listen to the birds and watch the deer. Just enjoy the Quiet.
I would get to see my three grandchildren every day.
I miss them.
So very much.
Tennessee seems a million miles from Orlando.
I guess I better go lay down and get some rest if I can.
My youngest daughter will be up and bouncing around at 7.
She always keeps me very busy.
Today is her Grandma's birthday so I guess we'll go party with her.
Get Well Dad. Bless you.
Get Well Dale. Bless you.
Get Well wishes to my dear daughter, Michelle. Bless you.
Bless and Love you all.
1 comments:
Cheryl:
This is Carol Carter (Mosher). Remember me? Linda, Martha, etc. are my cousins. Bob Mosher is my brother. I read your "Mid Life" comments and said to my sister, Marie. Doesn't it sound like I wrote that? That is my life. However, I do not have any problem falling asleep, but I awake every two hours like clockwork. I don't think I ever go into a deep sleep, and therfore don't actually get any rest. I live in a house that ALWAYS needs repairs. Not enough room either. I keep asking myself if this is what getting older is all about. I want to volunteer at schools, libraries or hospitals reading to children. Mine are both grown, my youngest granchild is 13, and my son doesn't have children yet. I m miss having the little ones around. But, I never have time to even finish the housework, never mind finish painting the other three walls in my kitchen. I work 45 minutes from my house. When I leave work each day, I have such plans of what I can accomplish when I get home. In reality, when I do get home, I'm lucky to make it into the house and finally prepare dinner. I love to do crafts, but that has been on the back burner for years. I think my life went somewhere when I turned 50. I am now 57, overweight and can't lose a pound, have joint disease and arthritis. Here in New England I swear it snows every other day. I know that is an exaggeration, but I think I am always shoveling snow. I cannot shovel like I use to, but it was pay for repairs to my well, or get a snowblower. Well, we know that a piece of machinery to make things easier is not in the cards. I am a widow, barely make enough to live on, and just want to sell my home and get that dream home I have always wanted. A mansion? Not at all. Just a small ranch-style house with more room than I have now. A dishwasher. I have never had that. A new dryer, so I don't have to hang my wet clothes all over the house on "wash day". There are two girls at work around my age and they have the same complaints. Is this what we have to look forward to in our "golden" years? Cheryl, I know exactly where you are coming from. The only difference is, my grandkids are nearby and I get to see them often. As a matter of fact, they all came for dinner today.Well, write me sometime. We have a lot in common. Haven't seen you in years. Carol
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